Sailing is not for everyone. Here is a blog for those of you who would prefer to have your feet planted firmly on land (you know who you are!)
You Know You are NOT a Sailor When… (Sequel to “You Know You ARE a Sailor When..”)
You know you are NOT a sailor when….
You are tired of combing the knots out of your hair
Every noise on your boat causes alarm and keeps you awake at night
It’s too hard to change your clothes so you wear the same set for weeks
You don’t like to eat; it makes you seasick
You lost your only set of glasses and so you rely on binoculars to see lights at night
You have fallen off the swim step numerous times
You don’t like swimming in the ocean because you can’t see what’s below you (sharks!)
You lost your watch. Although there are clocks around the boat, you keep asking the time (it helps you feel secure)
Sunrises, sunsets, and constellations all look the same (once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all). Islands all look the same too (same thinking)
Medicines don’t help your land or seasickness
Showering takes too much effort so you’ve stopped taking them
Your entire body is bruised from falling and bumping around during passages
You have circles under your eyes from lack of sleep…the moving bed jars you awake
Fish again? Are you serious? You don’t like blood on the deck ( a big juicy steak with potatoes, veggies and fruit sounds much better!)
If a wave suddenly soaks you, you utter curse words including the phrase, “I hate this boat!”
You confuse nautical direction words (like starboard, port, bow and stern) and wish the crew would quit ‘showing off’ and just point!
You no longer come on deck to see a dolphin, whale or ray (It’s the “once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all” theory)
You think swimming with ANY sea creature is insane and shake your head at the “crazies” who do it
You ignore cuts and scratches until they are infected and then pay outrageous Dr fees to clear them up (they used to clear up by themselves)
You throw the dead flying fish (that landed on your boat in the night) back into the sea, cursing their existence because they dirtied your deck
You understand how to sail but think it is safer to use one sail at a time. You stand by the phrase: Nothing goes to wind better than a 747
Using the large asymmetrical sail requires too much effort. You’ve stashed it below..for good.
You prefer someone else to start, and stop the engine, generator and inverter. You prefer to sit in one place.
The boat’s helm has an autopilot, why bother hand steering (you can’t keep it on course anyway)
You are frustrated with buoy markers. They are never consistent and often damaged (you curse the people who designed them)
You’d give your right arm to have a Starbucks Mocha right now (but not the arm you hold on with)
You keep loosing your shoes (dropping them in the water) and wish you brought more
Your body and the clothes you are wearing smell (from lack of regular washing). You don’t care and think it’s good punishment for all the fools around you who think this is fun
You keep your nice clothes hanging in the closet. You know you’ll need them soon (once you get to land and can shower again)
You’d love to visit a spa and sit in the jacuzzi right now. A pedicure and manicure is on your bucket list
You plow through bad weather to get to destinations faster (heaving to prolongs the misery)
You are not tempted to explore deserted islands (they slow you down) and prefer to pass by
You are extremely irritable and cranky. You need sleep. You hate waking up every few hours during the night so you nap on your ‘watch’
You don’t like resetting the anchor. Once settled, why move until you are ready to go?
You prefer to rent a car and tour an island rather than find a quiet cove and hike.
You know how to tie one knot well and see no reason to learn more because if a knot is tied incorrectly, you might loose your dinghy, kayak or boat.
You know how to start and stop the dinghy (it’s your way off this boat!)
You worry when the sky darkens. You think you might get struck by lightening and die.
Light wind and motor sailing works best for you. Strong wind scares you (it might tip you over). No wind bores you (you want to finish).
You envy tourists at the ports you visit and wish you were one of them.
When anchored in front of a five star hotel, you sneak in and use the facilities. You mingle with the guests and pretend you are one (you are embarrassed that you are on a yacht)
You constantly look for reefs, coral and rocks. You worry about death.
You feel trapped on this boat. You feel as though you are in a prison. Sometimes, you wish the boat would sink so that you can get off!
You constantly complain. When a problem arises, you loose your temper and blame others
You sympathize with Christian Fletcher on “Mutiny on the Bounty”. If there was a plank on this boat, you’d make a few people walk it (the crew annoys you).
You are terrified of being hoisted up the mast. You might fall or your mate might drop you!
You think your boat is falling apart (evident by the creaking noises you hear)
You miss work because you miss a predictable life (traveling this way makes you anxious)
People who get tatoos are foolish. Why scar your body that way?
You hate getting wet and complain relentlessly when caught in a squall
You hate cold coffee and won’t drink it
You crave homemade cookies and wish you had a real kitchen to make some in. You refuse to cook in the small galley on board because you once found a weevil in the cabinet.
You’ve let your body go. It’s too difficult to exercise at sea. Your muscles have become squishy and your body aches from lack of movement. You can’t wait to get back to the gym
You find ports with internet and spend hours catching up on world news
You use the radio only when you have to (like calling the Port Captain). You prefer not to join in on any sailing chatter because you can’t stand happy sailors. You failed the HAM license test and see no reason to retake it
When you go ashore, you make sure you wear tennis shoes in case you step on something sharp or poisonous
You don’t know where anything is on this boat and you don’t care
You miss seasons. You can’t wait to live in a house again. You miss routine and the security it brings (you even miss the snow)!
The best part of sailing is socializing with other sailors but you don’t understand their enthusiasm. They like this lifestyle more than you do. You wonder if there is anyone else out here who feels the way you do?
You feel duped. This was nothing like the sailing magazines and videos described it would be. What were you thinking?
You know if your mate wants to do this again, he/she will have to do it alone. Once this trip is over, you will head for the nearest spa and never set foot on a boat again!
This experience has made you appreciate the things you took for granted: your home, your job, your hobbies, and all mundane routines connected with them. Why? Because these are the things that made you feel secure. These are the things that give you the security you need. And that my friend, ..is okay because sailing is not for everyone!
Written for my non-sailing friends by: Carol Fleetwood WindCutter/Sept 201